How to make peace with a loved one

You want to establish a relationship with a partner, but do not know where to start? The psychotherapist Veronika Stepanova tells how to build a conversation, come to a compromise and not look weak.

If you decide to take the first step towards, it is important first of all to evaluate your own feelings. As a rule, in a state of resentment, you think that:

  • The second side is to blame for everything. If the partner considered himself guilty, he himself would have asked for reconciliation. Since this does not happen, he most likely holds a different opinion, and you will not achieve the desired result.
  • You are to blame. Should be the first to initiate a conversation. It is better that it is a personal meeting.
  • Both are to blame. The most common case. Do not think that, offering to reconcile first, you will demonstrate weakness. On the contrary, this is a manifestation of maturity, which puts you in a stronger position. An important aspect – how much a partner is ready to move towards.
  • Do not understand what happened and why a person was offended. At heart, we always feel it, it’s just that we are unpleasant to think about it. So we unconsciously displace the problem, pretending that nothing happened between us.

How to prepare for a conversation

Think about how exactly you are ready to speak: in a letter, by phone or in a personal meeting. For final reconciliation, you always need to talk to the eye on the eye. In order for you to be better understood, you need to realize what feelings a partner can experience. For this, the technique of the third stool, which is used in gestalt therapy, is well suited. You set out your complaints, and then transplanted to an empty chair and try to look at yourself through the eyes of a loved one. Remember the arguments that he, in turn, can express.

How to build a dialogue

“From the very beginning, show: you are dear to the interlocutor’s feelings. He will understand that he will be heard and calm down, – says Veronika Stepanova. – Then you can go to your feelings and state your own vision of the situation. At the end of the conversation, you need to come to the consensus.

The dialogue may sound like this: “I understand that you don’t like that I’m not careful enough, I’m screaming at you all the time. Please forgive me”. It is important to apologize – you immediately remove the tension and have an interlocutor to you. “You probably feel abandoned, unloved” – you make a loved one understand that you are sharing his experiences. Then say what you want yourself: “It is so important for me to know that you love me. I can’t feel it and understand. I’m tired of jealousy and pain. Let’s come to the general decision with you ”-you give the second side the opportunity to offer something.

How not to look weak

Perhaps from time to time you forgive a partner. How to make sure that the second half is not used to the fact that you are always ready to first go to reconciliation? It is important to observe positive and negative reinforcement. If a partner really pleases you, tell him how to appreciate it. However, when he violates the agreement, keep the word and stop relations if it was your decision.

It seems to us that if a person loves, he will do everything to resolve the conflict. However, his feelings may defeat the reluctance to take part of the responsibility for what happened or the fear of losing the position of the offended, which means the right. In this case, you should not make repeated attempts to reconcile and overbide. This is the choice of another person, and he is responsible for him.

The willingness to change

Formulate a request for yourself – what exactly do you want to extract from a conversation? “Often people think:“ I want the second half to change, and then everything will be fine, ”the psychologist says. – desires or persistent claims will not help. Only daily, interested interaction with a person can change the imbalance. You must always start with yourself: you are changing in relation to a loved one, and he changes with you. This will take time, patience and mutual readiness to move towards each other “. Conflicts will inevitably be repeated, it is important how you learn to get out of them.

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